A community of people, not a society of individuals!

May 30th and it's just now feeling like Spring has come to stay! Maybe all the May showers we've had will bring lots of June flowers!! The boys are eating Popsicles and the birds are harmonizing with the soothing sounds of the sprinklers outside. The ice cream cart music that rings through nearby neighborhoods is the sound of childhood happiness to all the young ears it falls upon. I'm enjoying the quiet as I write random pieces of writing that I will later try to fit into a collection of some sort.

I have been on partial bed rest(pbr) for seven weeks now. I began having contractions on April 12th, at 20 weeks, 6 days gestation. I rested for a week then began taking Nifedepine(Nif) in combination with the pbr at the recommendation of my midwife. I've been on the Nif for six weeks now. Being busy as a bee and social as a butterfly has made this resting period quite a tough trial of many things, patience and faith being the strongest of them.

I really began to get scared when the contractions, which were more painful than my labor contractions with my first two pregnancies, continued even after the extensive amount of rest and medication. As we approached 23 weeks I really began to get worried because just a little over a year ago my friend had gone into labor and had her little guy at 24 weeks, 3 days gestation. We watched him grow through photographs and journal entries from his parents, on the CaringBridge website. We, a community of people brought together because of this precious babe, prayed for the 110 days he spent in the NICU and continue to pray for him even today. Watching my friends go through this incredibly tough experience such a short time ago, still rings loudly in my heart. I've prayed for protection, wholeness, perfect health, and full term birth for Jeweliana, more strongly than what I would have had I not watched my friends' trial so closely. My birthday, May 6th, was an interesting day of emotions. It was on this day that I was 24 weeks, 3 days gestation.

On my birthday I wanted to shower by myself, and make myself look like a woman again. As all of you women reading know, a girl can lose her woman-ness when she can't shower and beautify herself. Imagine not being able to do these things not only because of feeling 'blah' and sleeping in, or because your bloated and don't care, but because you can't. I fell apart while I was alone in the living room on the couch, while my hub was in the kitchen making breakfast. (I didn't want him to know how badly I was affected by the situation and how sorry I was feeling for myself. On one hand I was truly grateful that here I was, not in labor, in the exact day of pregnancy the my friend had her son, 110 early. But the negatives really stood out because I 'felt' fine. I didn't feel sick, nor was I having hard contractions. It wasn't until I stood and walked, for any reason, that I 'felt' like anything was wrong. And because I hurt when I walked I rested much more than what pbr required.) I sobbed into my pillow until it was salty with tears, then I collected myself and embraced the reality that I was not going to get to do the things for my birthday that I had hoped. (Shower, dress up, go for a beautiful evening walk at the train depot with my handsome groom...) After crying about 'poor me' I focused on how things could be a LOT worse. My birthday turned out to be nice that evening. My hub shampooed my hair, polished my toes with my new bday polish, and loved me in such a beautiful unconditional way! He didn't 'love' me because I was beautiful or had something to offer him, he simply 'loved' me because that is what he does. He loves me!

This has been the most humbling of experiences that I've ever had to endure, for sure. I've had to have my hub lift me out of four baths in one day because the HOTT water was the only thing that could soothe my pain and I was incapable of getting out of the tub myself. I've had to go to the salon just to have my hair shampooed. I've had to have my mom help me shower when my hub was on business trips. I've had to have help cleaning my house. I've had to have a babysitter for myself almost constantly since this began. I've not made a meal in seven weeks. I've done less than a weeks worth of laundry over the last seven. I haven't been able to drive myself anywhere. I couldn't stand the though of using the wheelchair shopping carts at grocery stores. This is just a peek into what I've been going through to lean humility. I finally hit the reality wall when I had to ask my 18 yr old sister to 'help' me get in and out of the bath at my mom's because I was in so much pain that I had to get in the HOTT water. My 60 yr old grandmother lives with my mom and she has a shower chair that she used after a recent surgery. I used it to wash my own hair... it helped a lot. I was in only a moderate amount of pain when I got out of the shower. She offered to let me barrow it because she has been able to stand and shower for weeks. It's been nice. Then I finally got the nerve to try her wheelchair. She let me barrow it the day I called and I still have it. It has made things so much easier to deal with. I can go on walks with my family again! I can go to the store with my hub! I am at the library a couple times a week, again! I no longer sit in my house depressed that I cannot go on walks, or go places that my family goes.

Through this tough time I've had to suck up my pride and 'enjoy the ride'. It's not been easy, but it sure has been a lesson worth learning. The Lord created us to be a community of people, not a society of individuals, and going through this has helped me to see the prideful way that I was living as though I needed no one.

Thank You Dear Papa, for Your love and grace through this time of having to force me to rest. You have always been so gentle and loving with me, even in my most trying period of motherhood. I love You, Daddy, and love the way You love me! Amen! Amen! Amen!!!